The greatest tragedy of my life
Luz Marina tells her story
My abortion was not "erased" my pregnancy but that killed my son and made my life hell!
I underwent a legal abortion in the U.S. on March 6, 2003. He was not young or inexperienced. He was 42 years, was married and had two sons, 9 and 3 years old, respectively.
I underwent a legal abortion in the U.S. on March 6, 2003. He was not young or inexperienced. He was 42 years, was married and had two sons, 9 and 3 years old, respectively.
My husband asked me after the birth of our second child, I underwent surgery to sterilize. I refused. He was furious. A year later, my health insurance plan cover maternity canceled, and refused to pay $ 150 a month more before being entitled to maternity insurance. Two months before getting pregnant a third time, irresponsibly stopped paying the premium for my health insurance, which I was canceled.
When I found out I was pregnant I was very nervous, remembering that no one had health insurance, which my husband did not. He just knew that my plan does not cover maternity, and that I had prior medical history of preterm birth had cost us over $ 100,000. For this reason Ralph, my husband urged me to consider abortion. Furthermore, "We are old," he said. He insisted that our comfort and our children, Danny and Alex, was threatened. "After all," he said, "I'm not asking you to do anything illegal." He promised that our lives would not change if an abortion, but if I did would stop our holidays and our eating out, visiting my mom and money for college for our children.
I began to mourn and told again and again that I knew was not going to live with my conscience if I did what he was asking.
But finally I relented. It was cowardly and my faith was weak. I was afraid to take full responsibility in case something went wrong. I was worried. What if, because of my age, the baby came with Down Syndrome?
However, I went downtown with the idea of abortions to halt proceedings in the last minute. That way, I could appease my husband. At least he had tried to please him would look. Looking back, I realize that I had a fright.
When we reached the center of abortions, the receptionist asked me what kind of abortion wanted. "None", I thought to myself, but Ralph immediately jumped and said, "has not yet been decided. Is there someone here who can advise? "A woman got up from his chair and took us to another office. After taking a seat, I said: "In the depths of my heart I know that abortion is not justified."
Ralph looked at me and then told the counselor: "She thinks she has a baby, when really it's just a handful of cells." The counselor assured me that my baby was "just a pinpoint. Both she and my husband discussed with me. The counselor told me: "You really can do this. You have to want it or you have to like it. " "It is better to make this sacrifice for the welfare of your sons." My husband asked me "please do so.
How naive and what a fool I was! Not even expressed an objection when the counselor compared my baby with a tumor. "Did not you you would remove a tumor?" He asked. As I spread the papers on my hands to sign, he said: "You can stop abortion at any time.
When it came time to enter the operating room, I curled up in front of the entrance and said, sobbing: "I can do this." Two smiling women, one on each side, lifted me and pushed me into the parlor. The doctor was angry with me, because I was crying. He never asked me why I was struggling. I got up and they (like 4 nurses) I slept. I said many times: "I do not want, I will not!" They gave me anesthesia and I fell asleep praying, in fact, was shouting: "Our Father who art in heaven ...!" I do not know if he was asking God to save my baby or to forgive me for killing him.
When I awoke, I felt violated and hurt. I thought to myself: "I'm not pregnant." Immediately I realized that my baby was gone forever! He had committed the most terrible crime of my life!
At that moment began a living hell for me. I felt my life was ruined. I thought about suicide, to join my child in the afterlife. This was what I cared about and wanted. During the ride home, I throw the car off the highway. But what if I die right away? If Ralph took me to hospital, do you find out that I had not paid the health insurance premium and, therefore, was without insurance? I was afraid it mostly for fear of his reaction. The cowardice and shame of the whole world know that she had aborted, they made me give up.
That night, my tears never stopped sleeping with Ralph, he told me shouting, "What's wrong? I got rid of the problem! "The next morning, after spending a sleepless night, I pleaded with Ralph to look on the internet what happened to women after an abortion.
Ralph looked at WebMD [a portal on medical matters], but found only one article. He showed me the article and said a prayer printed on it: "Most women do not repent of abortion." He smiled knowingly and said, "See? You're crazy, you're inventándote this problem. You'll be fine. "I began to mourn.
Later, Ralph found a site on the internet about post-abortion depression. After reading the information, looked sad. She hugged me and for the first time in ten years of marriage, I apologized. "Sorry, sorry," he said. Although the Internet was what opened his eyes and softened his heart, I felt that somehow I understood and shared my pain. Ralph desperately sought an appointment with a psychologist for that afternoon and she referred me to a psychiatrist, who made me antidepressants. But nothing could lessen my pain and despair.
My husband had urged me to abort my baby, supposedly for the welfare of our other two sons, Danny and Alex. But after the abortion, I was unable to care for almost a year. I responsible for my two innocent children of the death of his brother. This seems irrational and unreasonable, but that's what an abortion. I unbalance! You spoil! Eats you! You crazy! Weakens you! I just thought: why they could breathe, talk and laugh, and my baby could not? Why is the economic welfare of my two sons was for me and my husband more important than the life of our third child? Stop talking. I could hug them. Their presence bothered me. What kind of monster was I? Had I killed my third child and could not love the first and second?
After abortion, my husband's life changed drastically. He had to deal with our two children attend. He had to do what he had done for many years and, in addition, had to take care of myself.
It was full of anger, suffering from depression, anxiety and memories flashing abortion. I remember I wanted the death penalty applied. She was determined to have me arrested, so you can confess my murder. He knew that this plan would not work because abortion is legal in the U.S., so my thoughts turned to suicide. I tried to hang myself, but was too cowardly to consummate the act. I drive the car to throw myself into it in a canal. On one occasion, I almost arroya intentionally left a truck. I would walk through the night, hoping that I would lose or die. I cut and pasted me many times. I did not eat. He went to work but still there was crying most of the time. The rest of the time off work so I went to bed hoping to die. He could do nothing about my miserable life.
My family and friends were concerned about the personality change that had taken, but I did not dare to tell anything about abortion. I just told them I was sick and was receiving treatment due to depression.
I was furious with myself and wanted to take full responsibility. He was conscious of my guilt. He had failed to protect the most wonderful gift God had given me. Deep inside me knew, that despite the external pressure, I was responsible for that life, and I could not forgive myself for this crime. My husband and I urged that psychologists do not turn my anger at myself.
After my husband promised me we would have another child, I committed to my own recovery. Seven months after the abortion, got pregnant again. I learned that she was pregnant at the same time when my aborted child was born, whom he called Gabi. I was really happy and I thanked God for this sign of His forgiveness.
But sadly, I had an early loss in pregnancy. It was painful, but much less painful than abortion, because the element of guilt was not added. It is easier to accept the will of God to accept your crime. Besides, had not been able to tell anyone about Gabi and abortion. But after the loss, was different. I was able to talk about this child that was lost. Although most people could not understand why my pain, sympathized with me. This allowed me to express grief
by the death of these two sons of mine, though nobody knew who was also mourning the death of my son aborted. Talking about the experience of abortion is much more difficult than sharing about a miscarriage.
Two years after that, I got pregnant again and at nine weeks pregnant I suffered another loss. The pain was immense and removed all my previous pain. I realized that my abortion had killed three of my children, because for some reason, my body could no longer carry my pregnancy to the end.
From the beginning, I knew somehow that God was my only hope. But does how he could go back to him after he had done? I was lucky that I refer to Father Gabriel. Father Gabriel introduced me to God Almighty that I had forgotten. Thanks to the mercies of God, my Bible study "Forgiven and release" at Rachel's Vineyard Retreat, and many wonderful people who work in the prolife ministry whom God put in my way, my healing process began inside .. . and forgive my husband, myself, and my doctor performed the abortion, as his staff, who deliberately ignored the fight to save my baby.
Since I can not bring Jamie back, I made a promise to honor him by sharing the truth about the horror of abortion, and somehow save lives and prevent tragedies like the pain I have suffered.
Not abortion help women but hurts them. Nobody can harm your baby, no harm while his mother. I have suffered much, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My children and my husband also suffered the consequences.
I'm still taking antidepressants! The healing process of an abortion is slow and difficult, is a constant and conscious effort every day I live. You realize how much God has forgiven me through the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. And voluntarily extend that forgiveness to my husband and others. Gabi I think every day of my life and I'm still in mourning for him. Probably I will be until the day I see him in Heaven. I am the mother of a child destroyed by abortion, nothing will change this part of the story of my life. But the power to express it, is an important part of my inner healing process.
I am convinced that if someone had shared with me their experience of abortion, my third son was cheering my home now. I invite all women who have suffered the tragedy of an abortion to break the chains of shame that silences us, so make abortion is unthinkable.
I have had the experience of praying in front of the abortion center where I cowardly let my baby torn from my womb. He held a sign that says "I repent of my ABORTION", hoping that some women regret taking the life of her baby. Several women who have suffered from abortion that we practice, we have started a support group called "LIFE" - Link indestructible love, and we meet regularly to share and strengthen each other.
I ask God to give me strength and perseverance to continue this mission and that allows me to work on post-abortion counseling to help other women, who suffer in silence for an abortion in her past.
When I found out I was pregnant I was very nervous, remembering that no one had health insurance, which my husband did not. He just knew that my plan does not cover maternity, and that I had prior medical history of preterm birth had cost us over $ 100,000. For this reason Ralph, my husband urged me to consider abortion. Furthermore, "We are old," he said. He insisted that our comfort and our children, Danny and Alex, was threatened. "After all," he said, "I'm not asking you to do anything illegal." He promised that our lives would not change if an abortion, but if I did would stop our holidays and our eating out, visiting my mom and money for college for our children.
I began to mourn and told again and again that I knew was not going to live with my conscience if I did what he was asking.
But finally I relented. It was cowardly and my faith was weak. I was afraid to take full responsibility in case something went wrong. I was worried. What if, because of my age, the baby came with Down Syndrome?
However, I went downtown with the idea of abortions to halt proceedings in the last minute. That way, I could appease my husband. At least he had tried to please him would look. Looking back, I realize that I had a fright.
When we reached the center of abortions, the receptionist asked me what kind of abortion wanted. "None", I thought to myself, but Ralph immediately jumped and said, "has not yet been decided. Is there someone here who can advise? "A woman got up from his chair and took us to another office. After taking a seat, I said: "In the depths of my heart I know that abortion is not justified."
Ralph looked at me and then told the counselor: "She thinks she has a baby, when really it's just a handful of cells." The counselor assured me that my baby was "just a pinpoint. Both she and my husband discussed with me. The counselor told me: "You really can do this. You have to want it or you have to like it. " "It is better to make this sacrifice for the welfare of your sons." My husband asked me "please do so.
How naive and what a fool I was! Not even expressed an objection when the counselor compared my baby with a tumor. "Did not you you would remove a tumor?" He asked. As I spread the papers on my hands to sign, he said: "You can stop abortion at any time.
When it came time to enter the operating room, I curled up in front of the entrance and said, sobbing: "I can do this." Two smiling women, one on each side, lifted me and pushed me into the parlor. The doctor was angry with me, because I was crying. He never asked me why I was struggling. I got up and they (like 4 nurses) I slept. I said many times: "I do not want, I will not!" They gave me anesthesia and I fell asleep praying, in fact, was shouting: "Our Father who art in heaven ...!" I do not know if he was asking God to save my baby or to forgive me for killing him.
When I awoke, I felt violated and hurt. I thought to myself: "I'm not pregnant." Immediately I realized that my baby was gone forever! He had committed the most terrible crime of my life!
At that moment began a living hell for me. I felt my life was ruined. I thought about suicide, to join my child in the afterlife. This was what I cared about and wanted. During the ride home, I throw the car off the highway. But what if I die right away? If Ralph took me to hospital, do you find out that I had not paid the health insurance premium and, therefore, was without insurance? I was afraid it mostly for fear of his reaction. The cowardice and shame of the whole world know that she had aborted, they made me give up.
That night, my tears never stopped sleeping with Ralph, he told me shouting, "What's wrong? I got rid of the problem! "The next morning, after spending a sleepless night, I pleaded with Ralph to look on the internet what happened to women after an abortion.
Ralph looked at WebMD [a portal on medical matters], but found only one article. He showed me the article and said a prayer printed on it: "Most women do not repent of abortion." He smiled knowingly and said, "See? You're crazy, you're inventándote this problem. You'll be fine. "I began to mourn.
Later, Ralph found a site on the internet about post-abortion depression. After reading the information, looked sad. She hugged me and for the first time in ten years of marriage, I apologized. "Sorry, sorry," he said. Although the Internet was what opened his eyes and softened his heart, I felt that somehow I understood and shared my pain. Ralph desperately sought an appointment with a psychologist for that afternoon and she referred me to a psychiatrist, who made me antidepressants. But nothing could lessen my pain and despair.
My husband had urged me to abort my baby, supposedly for the welfare of our other two sons, Danny and Alex. But after the abortion, I was unable to care for almost a year. I responsible for my two innocent children of the death of his brother. This seems irrational and unreasonable, but that's what an abortion. I unbalance! You spoil! Eats you! You crazy! Weakens you! I just thought: why they could breathe, talk and laugh, and my baby could not? Why is the economic welfare of my two sons was for me and my husband more important than the life of our third child? Stop talking. I could hug them. Their presence bothered me. What kind of monster was I? Had I killed my third child and could not love the first and second?
After abortion, my husband's life changed drastically. He had to deal with our two children attend. He had to do what he had done for many years and, in addition, had to take care of myself.
It was full of anger, suffering from depression, anxiety and memories flashing abortion. I remember I wanted the death penalty applied. She was determined to have me arrested, so you can confess my murder. He knew that this plan would not work because abortion is legal in the U.S., so my thoughts turned to suicide. I tried to hang myself, but was too cowardly to consummate the act. I drive the car to throw myself into it in a canal. On one occasion, I almost arroya intentionally left a truck. I would walk through the night, hoping that I would lose or die. I cut and pasted me many times. I did not eat. He went to work but still there was crying most of the time. The rest of the time off work so I went to bed hoping to die. He could do nothing about my miserable life.
My family and friends were concerned about the personality change that had taken, but I did not dare to tell anything about abortion. I just told them I was sick and was receiving treatment due to depression.
I was furious with myself and wanted to take full responsibility. He was conscious of my guilt. He had failed to protect the most wonderful gift God had given me. Deep inside me knew, that despite the external pressure, I was responsible for that life, and I could not forgive myself for this crime. My husband and I urged that psychologists do not turn my anger at myself.
After my husband promised me we would have another child, I committed to my own recovery. Seven months after the abortion, got pregnant again. I learned that she was pregnant at the same time when my aborted child was born, whom he called Gabi. I was really happy and I thanked God for this sign of His forgiveness.
But sadly, I had an early loss in pregnancy. It was painful, but much less painful than abortion, because the element of guilt was not added. It is easier to accept the will of God to accept your crime. Besides, had not been able to tell anyone about Gabi and abortion. But after the loss, was different. I was able to talk about this child that was lost. Although most people could not understand why my pain, sympathized with me. This allowed me to express grief
by the death of these two sons of mine, though nobody knew who was also mourning the death of my son aborted. Talking about the experience of abortion is much more difficult than sharing about a miscarriage.
Two years after that, I got pregnant again and at nine weeks pregnant I suffered another loss. The pain was immense and removed all my previous pain. I realized that my abortion had killed three of my children, because for some reason, my body could no longer carry my pregnancy to the end.
From the beginning, I knew somehow that God was my only hope. But does how he could go back to him after he had done? I was lucky that I refer to Father Gabriel. Father Gabriel introduced me to God Almighty that I had forgotten. Thanks to the mercies of God, my Bible study "Forgiven and release" at Rachel's Vineyard Retreat, and many wonderful people who work in the prolife ministry whom God put in my way, my healing process began inside .. . and forgive my husband, myself, and my doctor performed the abortion, as his staff, who deliberately ignored the fight to save my baby.
Since I can not bring Jamie back, I made a promise to honor him by sharing the truth about the horror of abortion, and somehow save lives and prevent tragedies like the pain I have suffered.
Not abortion help women but hurts them. Nobody can harm your baby, no harm while his mother. I have suffered much, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My children and my husband also suffered the consequences.
I'm still taking antidepressants! The healing process of an abortion is slow and difficult, is a constant and conscious effort every day I live. You realize how much God has forgiven me through the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. And voluntarily extend that forgiveness to my husband and others. Gabi I think every day of my life and I'm still in mourning for him. Probably I will be until the day I see him in Heaven. I am the mother of a child destroyed by abortion, nothing will change this part of the story of my life. But the power to express it, is an important part of my inner healing process.
I am convinced that if someone had shared with me their experience of abortion, my third son was cheering my home now. I invite all women who have suffered the tragedy of an abortion to break the chains of shame that silences us, so make abortion is unthinkable.
I have had the experience of praying in front of the abortion center where I cowardly let my baby torn from my womb. He held a sign that says "I repent of my ABORTION", hoping that some women regret taking the life of her baby. Several women who have suffered from abortion that we practice, we have started a support group called "LIFE" - Link indestructible love, and we meet regularly to share and strengthen each other.
I ask God to give me strength and perseverance to continue this mission and that allows me to work on post-abortion counseling to help other women, who suffer in silence for an abortion in her past.
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